Imperfection

Imperfection

Before I write another post, I want to say something. Right now, there are people who see me as a better dad than I feel I am. People have given me tremendous amounts of compassion and support over the lengths I have gone through to make sure I am here for my daughter. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate it. It means a lot that you understand how much my daughter means to me. It has been a massive encouragement with something I might otherwise feel almost hopeless about.

Right now, I'm in a place in my life where I sometimes struggle with accepting my own flaws as a dad. I feel I  could be in a better place financially, providing for us as much as many other parents are able to for their kids. Sometimes I feel behind in that way and in other ways. And sometimes, I tend to be hard on myself about it, partly because I grew up with people in my life being hard on me when I didn't live up to their expectations. I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. I can be a little slow at catching on to things. I have made plenty of mistakes in the past, and some of them I didn't learn from until much later down the road. I can tell you, there are still mistakes that I have yet to fully learn from even now (but will in good time). And I know that I will continue to make them as time goes on. I'm far from perfect, and it is something I am learning how to accept properly.

When I created this blog two days ago, I almost decided name it "The Imperfect Dad". It seemed like a pretty real and modest title. It was later that I decided, as honest of a name as that might be, it sounded insecure. I didn't need that title in order to be real and honest. That title will show itself best in the content. 

Pursuing Perfection

True perfection seems imperfect,
yet it is perfectly itself.
True fullness seems empty,
yet it is fully present.

- Tao Te Ching (45)

So, I know I'm not the only imperfect dad out there. In fact, I know there is no such thing as the perfect dad (not objectively, at least). People seem to pursue this idea of perfect, and in the process, end up falling farther from it than ever. They go from being normally imperfect, to being abusive, or even neglectful (ironically). Some people suffer from this pursuit so bad, they can be hopelessly delusional about it. Some of them will say whatever they think another person wants to hear in order to get even just a little bit closer to "perfect" in their eyes. I have been on both sides of that scene, by the way, and as much as I have lied to myself at the time, I've always known deep down, it was bullshit.

While I feel there are ways of minimizing the pursuit of perfection, I'm not all that sure that a person can completely rid themselves of it. I think it's human nature. When writing this, while my goal is to make sure I'm being as real as I can, even still, this pursuit exists just a little in the back of my head. One of the motivations for running this blog happens to be a hope that I can express to other people how good of a father I want (and feel I can) be. But is it a serious priority in this blog? No. It's just one of a few personal motivations used to get it, and keep it going.

So when you read this blog, regardless of how "wonderful" I might seem to be due to a good articulation of a topic, keep in mind, I'm not perfect and I am far from exactly magnificent. I have plenty of room for improvement, and that's a good thing.

So throughout the development of this blog, I intend to do my best to be as open and real with you as possible. I'm not always the most open kind of guy when I first meet you, so during the youth of this blog, there is a good chance I will try to avoid posting about certain things that I am working out my insecurities for. I figure it's a normal thing in the world of blogging anyway. In time, you can expect me to open up more and evolve my writing here. There are things I will write about that is likely to be typical common sense to you, while it's probably a revelation to me. There might also be things I write that might be a revelation to you. There may be topics that I write on a whim which probably are completely wrong or misinformed in some way, all because of one or a few things I have yet to consider. Expect it. It's all necessary to me as I learn my way.

Either way, there is a lot of fun, play, contemplation, curiosity, and ideas worth sharing, still to come, so stick around!